“Do you certify that this accurately represents yourself and your likeness?” she asked, and held the photograph up to my eye line.

Squinting at the photo, I saw through the polite veil of her question—or rather, her threat. She hadn’t fooled me for a second, for I immediately sensed the very real and very ominous subtext to her seemingly innocent, so-called “routine” prompt. The second she extended her arm, putting me face-to-face with my own face, she was forcing me to choose: either commit to a likeness of photographic misery or forfeit my identity as a sojourner of the world.

She had me backed into a corner. I didn’t want either choice, but I had to choose if I ever hoped to escape the passport agency. I was out of options. So…

I said yes.

I admitted that the miserable angsty eyeliner novice in the photograph was me—and not only that—I admitted that it was an accurate representation of me. I confirmed it, officially. There is now a record stating that I identify with the image of an expired tween.

All I ask for, readers, is your understanding. Judge not by my actions alone, but by my actions under the force of a tyrannical agency with no regard for an individual’s pride.

Also judge the passport photographer for not allowing do-overs. 

This is long-awaited story, and I am finally ready to tell it.

It all begins with this celestial image that I uploaded as my student ID picture:

Then, out of the blue, I received this email:

It was a fair request. Not everyone can handle the beauty of a Farah sunrise, and it would probably be too distracting for the campus staff members.

I uploaded a more classic, simple look:

Yet Rebecca was still unsatisfied:

Here is where I got offended. What is wrong with my face against a black background? If anything, the simplicity of the cut-out makes it easier to identify me. And if the “quality and zoom” of the picture is fine, then why is “all that black space” a problem? Seriously, I cannot find a single reason why a black background would be an issue here. Are you trying to save on ink costs or some shit? Or would a skyline somehow legitimize the image? You’re trying to identify my FACE. This is the easiest way to look at my face.

Rebecca was obviously completely irrational, but I complied. I sent in an un-photoshopped image.

Finally! Well…not so fast. Rebecca once again proved her mental volatility with a most disappointing flip-flop:

Talk about a blow to the heart! Just like Trayvon, I couldn’t gain the man’s approval while wearing a hood. So, I uploaded a picture to show Rebecca how she made me feel:

And then, the most painful rejection of them all:

So mean. So, so mean. Rebecca’s high standards and emotional unavailability finally forced me to give up. I was never going to gain her validation. But you know what? If she couldn’t handle the whole package—photoshop and all—then she just wasn’t worth it.

It was time to stop changing myself to impress her. So I sent her one last image of the real me—the way I see myself:

She never responded :’(

But as it turns out, Rebecca is on the Residential Life team, and she told ResLife that no one should have to be my roommate. So I got a single dorm room.

Thanks, Rebecca!